Zechs: Truths and Obsessions
by Kabuki Salamander
Summary: Zechs is haunted by the 'memory of Treize' as he hides a big secret from his sister. WARNING for my disgusting sense of humor.


Author Note: This is in response to a line-fic challenge posted in the GWN Forum by Yanagi. This is a terribly twisted piece of work and not meant for the light of heart and/or people who take things way too seriously. I happen to think its quite humorous. Aka, CRACK.

Why, oh why, do I keep bashing on my favorite characters? Also, the challenge says, "either during or post series" but this is more post Endless Waltz.

I'm well aware that my brain concocts things that aren't quite right - so do try to keep the O_o;; to yourself if you don't mean it in the nicest of ways.

Here is the challenge:

Any pairing (preferably yaoi), either during or post series, and must use the word 'kumquat'.

Must have the quotes:

1."I can't have sex with you looking like that! I feel like a pedophile." (Extra points if it's Quatre saying this!)

2."Shut up, Milliardo, and hand me my malt balls."

3."Uh, guys? It's humping my leg." O.O;;

4."Life's a bitch, and then you get attacked by necrophiliacs."

5."Y'know, that guy, with that thing, at that place, that one time...?"

6."Cheese scares me."

And here is my story...

9/26/01

It wasn't much of a quiet night in the Darlian home as Relena, the head of the household; and the head of pretty much everything else in the world; rubbed at her aching temples. It had been a long, long day.

While having to deal with the constant bickering that came with her political involvement, her brother and his lovely wife, Noin, had decided to stop in for a happy family visit, just because he loved her ever so much and she had always been such a wonderful sister that they just couldn't resist stopping by any time the opportunity struck for quality time.

Honestly - all pleasantry aside - she knew exactly what he came for.

And that was money.

The loving couple had spent their honeymoon in some shit-hole colony somewhere around the Vegas Sector where they'd gambled away every last dime to their name. All of it. Oh, she'd heard all about it from the ladies at the beauty parlour. Such a scandal. She'd even heard that they had nearly been arrested for bailing space-cab fair, but the drop of Relena's name had let them off the hook.

And while the two newlyweds had tried to politely bring it up in conversation, it seemed as though there were something else wrong; her brother, Milliardo, was acting very... odd? Normally she would put it aside, as he was sort of, kind of, pretty much completely psycho considering that he'd tried to destroy the world at one point, right?

Relena was convinced that God wasn't going to forgive him for that. And she knew very well that even if he hadn't tried to blow up the earth, God would still hate his guts.

Milliardo had made it no secret that he and the late Treize Khushrenada, once upon a time, had done unspeakable things to each other before Treize met his end by being blown to smithereens in a mobile suit battle against some arrogant brat-friend of Heero's. The Chinese one? What was his name? His ponytail was a bit too tight...

Regardless, as far as Relena was concerned, her brother was a corrupt, terrible queer and she knew God could not forgive him for that (unlike being a murderer, which was fine). It wasn't because she hated him at all - heavens no! She loved her brother to pieces despite his rather questionable life choices...

But... she had read all about such things on this one website, , and everyone knows that anything you read on the Internet is true. Clearly.

But even still... there was something about the way that he was fidgeting in his chair nervously, and how his eye twitched every so often that looked utterly psychotic. Then there was the instance where he fell onto the middle of the floor in the middle of afternoon tea, hugging his knees against his chest and mumbling incomprehensibly to himself, that seemed a little off-kilter, even for someone with Peacecraft blood.

Relena decided that he must be very stressed. 'Oh, poor Noin,' she thought, 'she looks a little under the weather. Milliardo's anxiety must be reaching her, too.'

She decided the best thing to do was to recommend a great eye cream to tighten up the bags under Noin's eyes and offer to let them stay for a few more days. She herself could stand a little rest from the pressures of being the Vice Foreign Minister.

A few days of rest and they'd all feel perfectly good as new.

These thoughts with her, she crawled into her nightgown and fell asleep that evening with a smile on her teenage politician (and former queen) face.

All would be perfectly right in no time at all.

"No, no, and HELL NO! I spent months putting up with her for you in the Sanq Kingdom, there is no way I'm going to spend another night here, let alone three days!" complained a very bitchy Noin to her beloved husband.

"Oh come now, my precious little kumquat, you know that if we want to score some cash off my sister we're going to have to humor her. Besides, we'll have our own room and it will be a distraction from my... eh... problem." Milliardo looked away as he said the last word; he really didn't like admitting he had a problem. His 12 step program said that the first indication that there is a problem is denial, though, so he decided that he would just go with it for the time being. In all truth, he didn't really believe that his problem was much of a problem, and that what was a 'problem' was pretty much subjective, but he decided that it was best to not upset his already upset Noin at that moment.

After all, she'd been particularly testy ever since she discovered his... secret.

Noin had threatened to leave him if he didn't get help, and he couldn't bear the thought. While he loved the woman to death, it was all very hard on him and conflicting as he was still quite deeply in love with Treize, too. And that led to late nights where he'd coming home smelling heavily of cheap perfume, stale liquor, and various chemical content with no explaination of where he had been or what he was doing when 'work' didn't seem to be a feasable enough excuse.

And then, one night, she'd caught him in the act itself... she'd had her own suspicions but had tried to push them from her mind, but the truth in front of her seemed to be more than what their relationship could withstand.

But she'd tried, and he tried too. And after some time, slowly, Zechs was starting to slowly recover, though they still had yet to make love again. She couldn't bare the thought anymore, not after she'd caught him with... with... that man... yet again. There was little she could do to drive the sight from her mind when it came to intimacy.

Right now, it seemed that Zechs was in the stages of withdrawal, perhaps. Given time, he'd be the strong beautiful man she knew him to be when they met.

"Ok, Zechs..." She finally said in resignation, "but only because we need the money."

"Ah, thank you, Lucretzia," Zechs said, relief far more than evident in his tone of voice.

"Yeah, yeah. Just shut up Milliardo and hand me my malt balls, would you?" she said, waving him away in dismissal. It was time for some serious sitcom time, as a means of distracting away from present issues. Though it would be difficult to find herself comfortable in Relena's overly-ostentatious guest room that had been decorated for looks more than comfort, she'd have to make do. So long as she had something else to stress over... namely, calories.

"Don't I get a kiss first?" Milliardo asked.

Noin eyed him warily. "What have your lips touched today...?"

"Just my toothbrush, honest!" he insisted, pressing his hands up to his chest defensively.

"Ok, then," She smiled. "Lay one on me, sweety."

The next morning, Milliardo skipped downstairs in a dark blue speedo, towel under his arm. Noin was already down at the heated, indoor pool, he was certain. He hoped she wasn't mad at him yet again, though he knew if he gave it a few hours of fawning and apologizing, it would blow over just as it always did.

He'd left in the middle of the night with his suitcase while Noin was still asleep. He was sure that he didn't wake her when he left. - he was positively sure - so she had to have woken up while he was away to discover his absence.

Because when he came back, she was asleep on the couch.

Noin always slept on the couch after one of his "outings".

She had once said that the thought of sleeping next to him after what he had done made her feel ill, even if he took a shower afterwards. As if the act itself clung to him more than merely skin-deep.

Milliardo was pushing it - that, he knew. He believed himself very lucky that she had stayed with him even after the countless number of times that he'd cheated on her and broken his vows. But, then at the same time, only Noin understood him and could understand why he did what he did and that his heart was indeed apologetic.

On his way to the swimming pool to meet with his beloved wife, he passed by Relena's door to hear an alarming clatter. Instinct kicked in although he was unarmed and had little chance of protecting his would-be attacker with a towel and a skimpy bathing suit

Tensing up, he leaned back against the door, hearing the noise of shattering glass and what sounded a lot like someone being beaten repeatedly. Then, before he could make a move, he began to hear voices... thus, Milliardo listened carefully to try and distinguish who Relena was in the room with before making a sudden entrance. A wise move on his part.

"Oh gawd, OH GAWD! NOW! PLEASE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!"

"Relena, I can't have sex with you looking like that! I feel like a pedophile. Here! Put this wig on..."

Milliardo's face went pale as he paused for a moment in recognizing the two voices, letting the notion sink in. Then, he promptly raced to the nearest bathroom and tossed his cookies.

As time passed, Zechs continued retching into the toilet bowl and eventually heard a light knocking.

"Zechs?" Came the hesitant voice of Noin from the other side of the door, "Are you... uh... are you okay?"

"No... I ... Oh, lord! Relena and Pargan. EWWW! Sick… SICK! Eww! Eww! Eww!" Zechs stuttered in return before choking up the last tidbits of his breakfast.

Noin sighed and walked away, deciding to give him his 'time alone'.

Relena glanced from side to side, scoping out the territory. So far as she could see, no one was at all was around as Noin was downstairs watching her daytime dramas on the television and Milliardo had been holed up in the bathroom for the last several hours. She had no idea what on earth he was doing, but he was probably primping himself and fussing with his pretty hair and wouldn't be out for another few hours or so, if that were the case.

The coast seemed to be clear, and thus she prepared herself to do what any normal caring sister would do when knowing her older brother wasn't doing well: snoop through his things.

She hummed to herself as she passed by the first small suitcase. "Oops!" she said to no one in particular as the zipper 'accidentally' and miraculously came undone on bag. Being a good sister and all, and as representative of the earth sphere, it was only her duty to clean up the contents that had spilled out onto the floor.

Picking up various jars and tubes containing various cosmetics, she turned them over in her hands before replacing them - apparently these were Noin's things. The bag itself held nothing of significance; assorted gaudy shades of eyeshadow, lipstick, pencils, face powder, glitters, so on and so forth. Aside from those, there seemed to be a strange catalog with Zechs' name and mailing address on it. "Drag Queen Cosmetics Emporium" the title read in neon pink lettering on the front cover. Relena wasn't sure what a 'drag queen' was exactly, but as she thought on it more and more, she determined that it must have meant something along the lines of the pretty girls that a racecar driver gets a kiss from after they make first place on the track. Relena smiled at what a thoughtful man her brother was for ordering Noin a catalog to buy nice things from as she put the contents back inside the bag and replaced it exactly as it was before.

As she went for the next bag, an awful smell suddenly hit her, causing her to draw back in alarm as she fought off a sudden wave of nausea. She couldn't quite place what the smell was; it was like the time when she stayed in her own home for a few months without servants to clean up after her. It was sort of like that. But a whole lot worse.

No... this smell was even far worse than that. So bad that it reminded Relena that she had an appointment with her gynecologist next week. 'What on earth is in that bag!' While keeping her face drawn back, her hand slowly reached for the zipper...

"Relena! Don't touch that"

A strong hand shot out and gripped hers. Relena turned to stare right into the face of her older brother.

Zechs did not look happy.

"Oh, Milliardo! I was just... umm." She searched for some lame excuse. As politician, she was normally quite apt when it came to making good excuses for herself, but all seemed to slip her mind at that moment, too distracted by... stench.

"You should stay out of there," he said coldly, hand still gripping hers and she wondered if he knew his own strength. Her hand was losing circulation.

"What's in there? You know, there is this peculiar smell. I-" she was cut off

"It's nothing! It's just... uh... y'know. Stinky cheese. Was gift from Noin's great aunt."

Relena believed him - of course, why wouldn't she? Beyond all appearances (or perhaps above them), blonds being blond and Zechs not at all excluded from the theory, the genetics in blond hair-coloration had an effect on a person's intellectual capability from time to time. People often referred to it as 'dumb slut' syndrome. That, or it could have been her upcoming period making her a little more flaky and gullable than usually.

In all actuality, Relena was just gullible. So it was said, so it was totally over with.

"Oh, seriously? I'm glad I didn't open that. Cheese scares me, you know." She stood, straightening her skirt as she turned and left. Without apology.

Zec... er, Milliardo turned to leave, as well, but not before taking a moments pause to glance back at the bag, blowing a soft little kiss in its direction.

"I'll see you later," he said to the obviously inanimate object, and "Lovely," as an afterthought, shutting the door behind him.

Somewhere off in a faraway land in a place we call heaven, Treize was lying on the floor and rolling back and forth across the plush white carpet in his heavenly palace. He was quite discontent in his rolling. In fact, his face clearly showed his discontent. He had heard that when feeling this way, rolling on the floor was a good way to let everyone know that something wasn't quite right and thus he was distraught, yet at the same time, he found that it helped him think straight... though he wasn't straight, he was gay. Funny thing about English; if straight is straight, then why aren't gay people bent? That thought discontented him as well but didn't sidetrack him too long from his train of thought.

"Discontent, Treize?" A familiar voice said from behind him.

"Hi, Duke Dermail. Yeah, I'm pretty friggin' discontent." Back and forth, back and forth he went across the floor.

"Well, rolling in your grave isn't going to help any. Come now, have a cigar and tell me what has you in such a state of discontent."

Treize sat up on the floor and crossed his legs in the so-called Indian-style (why it was called that, like gay people not being bent - despite that he was bent quite often in his gay life - he hadn't any idea). Settling himself in a chair properly, Dermail cut a cigar and handed it to him along with a silver zippo to light it with.

"Well, you see, it's like this - Zechs is having sex with my corpse and it's disturbing me. And I mean, it's *really* disturbing me."

"Hmmm..." Dermail hummed, puffing out fragrant smoke, "Maybe you should talk to God about this."

Suddenly, a blinding light filled the room and then faded to reveal George Burns, wise and bespecaled in all his heavenly glory.

"You called?" he asked.

"Oh, hey God, Zechs is having sex... haha, I rhymed. Uh, ahem, he's having sex with my dead body. I'm really discontent about it. I've been rolling in my grave all morning, but it's not helping. What should I do, God?" Treize asked.

"Life's a bitch and then you get attacked by necrophiliacs," George Burns sighed, "Well, seeing as your spirit is discontent, I think you should try to haunt him."

"Ok, God. Thanks a bunch."

Treize snapped his fingers and vanished from the other-wordly plane.

"So God," Dermail said, "You care for a cigar?"

"Sure" God replied, and sat down next to Dermail.

Dermail passed a fine cuban over to George Burns, and there they sat, puffing away while they pondered the meaning of life, love, and necrophelia.

Noin and Milliardo lay together in bed that night, each doing their nightly reading before the lights went out. Noin was halfway through rereading the book "Harry Potter and the Pleather Hotpants". Harry Potter had become new obsession after she married Milliardo, much to his chagrin. He didn't know about it, but there were times where she'd secretly hop on the Internet and read slash fanfiction about little boys who place their broomsticks in places where they really shouldn't belong. Milliardo, on the other hand, was entranced by the latest issue of Vogue. He was drooling over the new dress styles for the season as suddenly the lights went out. As alarming as that was alone as no one likes power outages, particularly while reading masturbation material, they were even more alarmed to hear a loud inhuman screech from across the room.

"Eeek!" Milliardo squealed and pulled the covers over his head.

You see, though he was a soldier and had gone through years of training in defensive and offensive combat situations - despite that he knew how to fly aircraft carriers as well as any aircraft contained within, command armies, and pilot any mobile suit ever created - as much as he'd gone through, and no matter how much anyone tried, no one could completely snuff out his inner fairy. A one Milliardo Peacecraft, also known as Zechs Merquise, was deathly afraid of the dark. He'd always kept the lights on in space, and there was only one single person who'd ever known about his little phobia...

Although with Noin, he supposed that made two.

"You big baby." Noin flipped the blankets off of her and pushed her hand underneath Milliardo and grabbed his long, hard, warm, and cocked...

...gun.

Quickly, she tossed the covers to the side and slipped out of the bed. The screeching had by then died down to a dull moan but was nonetheless eerie and disconcerting... and rather non-human sounding. Using trained stealth, she crept barefooted across the cold carpet as it sunk between her toes. Suddenly, a jolt - she whirled around, blind in the darkness, feeling a pull at her weapon but she wasn't keen on firing where she couldn't see.

"Who's there?" she whispered, voice thick but firm.

No one answered.

With a startled gasp, the gun was suddenly wrenched from her hand and the lights begain to flicker. On, off, on off - rapid and disturbing, yet gave her sight enough to see that the weapon she'd held was now turned about to face the huddled figured of her husband on the bed. The groaning turned to a hideous megalomaniacal laughter and echoed not just from the hall, but then seemed to come from everywhere.

"What on earth..." Noin whispered under her breath. Their intruder was completely invisible; no hand held the gun as it floated mid-air and was quickly closing in on the scared blond.

Rumbling sounded as the bed began to shake beneath Milliardo, who sat upwards with the blanket and sheets gathered around him and his gaze darted about his person, steeled, trying to appear brave. He looked about as brave as a cat in front of a vaccum cleaner.

Which a cat could be brave in that circumstance, you know. Once they found a nice table.

Suddenly, the bed rose up and started spinning around in midair.

"Eeeeeeeeeeee!" Zechs cried.

Noin stared in horror, unable to do anything to stop an intruder that wasn't even actually there, leaving her to swipe at only the air yet the intangible force refused to drop the gun from its unseen hands.

The door suddenly exploded open, revealing its younger peacecraft in full bondage gear, looking quite upset and harrassed at all the chaos. "What the hell is going on in here?" Relena bellowed, walking through as the tassels attached to her nipples swung to and fro, and she cracked her whip in show of command.

Which must have had some effect on the phantom presence. The cackling stopped. The gun fell to the floor. The bed stopped turning as well, but still hung suspended in midair.

Milliardo rubbed his eyes. "I haven't had that much fun since Heero almost killed m-" the bed flipped upside down and dropped him onto the floor, before it also fell down, right on top of the former OZ soldier with a sickening 'Squish!'

"Brother!" Relena cried.

"Milliardo!" Noin cried.

"I- I'm all right," Whimpered Milliardo from underneath the bed, "But.. Uh, guys? It's humping my leg. The bed is, I mean."

Relena and Noin rushed over and put their backs into pushing the overturned bed off and away.

Underneath it lay a bloody clump of groaning Peacecraft.

Relena and Noin tended to Zechs and were dialing up an ambulance while an unseen visitor sat reflecting to himself. "Zechs always looked so lovely in red," Treize said aloud to himself, though no one could hear him... no one alive, at least.

"Zechs who?" Came a female voice from behind him, making his ghostly form start.

"Sweet Jesus!" he cried, turning his head. "Oh, it's you. Hi Leia."

"Nice to see you too, you ghostly ball of yum yum eyebrow bubblegum."

"Er. Yeah." Treize turned back and looked at Zechs who was being taken away by EMT's on a stretcher.

"So, who is this Zechs character?" she asked, while reaching her small see-through hands up to massage his aching temples. "Must be pretty special if he was worth haunting."

"Y'know, that guy, with that thing, at that place, that one time...?"

"Ummm...? Ah, you mean Milliardo? Yeah. You left me for him, dick." She gave him her most pitiful look, "And... I still remember my funeral. Jerk. The mother of your child. You didn't even bother going to pay your respects because you were too busy pounding his skinny blond butt to hell and back."

"There's that. True. But I'm sure there wasn't much hell in watching us."

She coughed. "So what if I was?"

"You're a pervert, Leia. But, you make a great audience. I have no complaints."

"And you're a great queer. I have no complaints, either... much."

"Hmm." He turned to leave.

"So... you're just going to leave him like that? You're not going to do something like kill him or whatever so you can take him home with you?"

Treize thought for a moment. "I thought about it. But I think revenge is enough for now. He's a necropheliac. So, he'll probably go to hell unless he does something really nice and selfless and good as penance. We'll just have to wait and see what happens naturally."

"All right, then. Let's go home, Treize... by the way, you have a nice ass in those white pants."

"I'm aware," he replied, and gave her a cheeky grin as they strolled back to heaven. "Thanks."

Zechs/Milliardo eventually recovered with only a few broken ribs, a bump on the noggin', and a rather large bruise on his leg.

Did he stop having sex with Treize's body? Eventually, he did.

Noin purchased him a Treize Khushrenada blowup doll; they were selling like hot-cakes in department stores nation wide. Very popular amongst high-school age youngsters.

Zechs did get a chance to repent for his deadbodyfucking sin. He was simply pretty and that was all that was needed for George Burns to smile upon. Well... that wasn't the actual story but the one they stuck to. In actuality, Treize was a wealthy man, and George (who'd had his share in the Vegas Sector also) was... well... not. At all. You can see where that one is going...

Of course, Milliardo died young. It won't be stated why or how, but he did. He died young and he died pretty. He went to pretty heaven and made pretty sweet love with Treize.

Noin purchased a Zechs Marquis blowup doll afterwards, which wasn't as popular as the Duo Maxwell blowup doll.

Figure that one out.

Pargan eventually died and Relena couldn't get any. Apparently no one had shared the joy of blowup dolls with her. She never did anything really wrong, but she didn't get into heaven.

That was Treize and Zechs/Milliardo's doing. Treize wasn't too keen on the idea of inlaws. George was becoming a very rich man.

Noin was single until her death. Afterwards she found a very nice girlfriend.

This time it was Leia Barton's doing. In more than one way.

:D


End file.
